How Do I Raise Grateful Kids?
It’s Not Natural
Perhaps you’ve already discovered the bad news: our kids are not naturally grateful, but are naturally born self-preoccupied ingrates brimming with an attitude of entitlement exemplified by whining, sourpuss looks, and eruptions of “Mine!” This is because they inherited hearts like that from us. From the moment they are born, they think only of themselves. Not one infant in the nursery is crying because some other baby is wet or hungry. To willingly delay gratification is to be marked by maturity, and none of us is born that way.
Meanwhile, the Bible teaches that there is nothing we have that we weren’t given as an undeserved expression of someone else’s grace. What do you have that you did not receive? (1 Cor. 4:7). We ought to be thankful, but we aren’t born grateful.
So if our kids are born thankless, how can we raise kids to recognize with heartfelt gratitude that they are served by an endless conveyor belt of divinely supplied benefits including life, breath, and everything? How can we help them see that God is working all things together for the good of those who love him? How can we help them see that he is good all the time and that our pleasure in him is enlarged and deepened and gladdened when we consciously thank him? How can we raise grateful kids?
Practicing Thankfulness
Sam Crabtree
Pastor Sam Crabtree surveys the Bible’s teaching on gratitude, demonstrating that every moment is an opportunity to observe, embrace, and appreciate with thankfulness the wondrous workings of God in ordinary life.
1. First practice heartfelt gratitude in the secret places of your own heart.
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. —1 Thessalonians 5:18
For yourself, dear parent . . . before your kids even become a consideration.
2. Practice gratitude “publicly.”
That is, practice it in the presence of your children so they “catch” you being grateful often—grateful to God and to others, including your children. Thank the checkout clerk, the delivery man, the doorman at church, that other driver who used his blinker and can’t even hear you thanking him, etc. Let the kids hear you expressing appreciation; they are learning not only words but alertness, attitudes, and tone.
3. Pray for them.
Ask God to do a work in their hearts. Even if at first the speaking of thank you is a mere courtesy (albeit an important one), pray that God will enable their hearts to catch up with the courtesy conveyed. Ask him to so work in them that their hearts would grow in genuine gratitude, erupting in unsolicited expressions of thanks as they grow and develop.
4. Expect them to learn to say thanks.
Also, expect that you will be the primary teacher. Don’t be waiting around for somebody else to teach them to say thanks. If you give yourself a pass on this, don’t expect your kids to magically pick it up somewhere else. As soon as they learn to speak, “Thank you” (or “tan too” as one of our toddlers used to say) should be worked into their vocabulary early on. Even pre-verbal young children can learn (and practice) the sign language for thank you.
5. Remind yourself that practicing thankfulness is not optional.
That is, not doing it will not produce the same outcomes as doing it. According to Romans 1, when persons do not honor God by giving thanks to him, he gives them over to futile, foolish, darkened hearts.
6. Reward them for doing it.
Reward, reward, reward. Rewarding small children for good attitudes and good behavior is one of the most important God-given roles of parents. God has designed the universe in such a way that behaviors and attitudes that are rewarded are more likely to be repeated—and enjoyed. Rewards might include smiles, hugs, “attaboys,” and something immediately tangible (e.g. Cheerios). Delayed rewards (and punishments) do not work with young children. “If you obey, I’ll give you a treat later,” is like saying, “I’ll give you a treat when all the planets align and the moon turns to green cheese and our shipment of Pixie dust comes in.” Later is not a category in a young child’s mind. Later doesn’t exist. The only effective reward or punishment is the one administered now, immediately.
The practice of saying thank you can start while they are infants craving that next Cheerio. You hold it out to them, urge them to say thank you for the offer of the expected benefit (the Cheerio), and when they say it (or some infantile form of it) you immediately reward them with the Cheerio. Note: there is a clear difference between the child who cannot say thank you and the child who defiantly will not say thank you. The defiant child can live without that Cheerio. Withholding the Cheerio without your yelling, scowling, or clenched teeth is simply training the child to obey your reasonable instruction. To give him the Cheerio when he refuses to say thank You rewards the defiance, and you will then certainly reap more defiance and thanklessness.
Let the kids hear you expressing appreciation; they are learning not only words but alertness, attitudes, and tone.
7. Spotlight others expressing thanks.
Point out to your kids when others say thank you in their presence: the pastor thanks the choir, grandma thanks the child for the homemade Christmas card, dad thanks his friend for advice on which auto mechanic to use, and so on. Point out how giving thanks humbly spreads happiness all around.
8. Show them gratitude in the Bible.
Paul thanked God.
I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus.—1 Thessalonians 5:18
Amazingly, Jesus himself thanked the Father.
And he directed the crowd to sit down on the ground. And he took the seven loaves, and having given thanks, he broke them and gave them to his disciples to set before the people; and they set them before the crowd. —Mark 8:6
Your children should know you are aiming to raise them as Christians. Seeing Jesus give thanks means giving thanks is not only a right thing to do, but it is a Christian thing to do.
9. Express gratitude creatively.
As your kids get older, brainstorm ways to express gratitude that are more and more creative. Ask them to choose a couple of the suggestions from the “100 Ways to Be Thankful” in Chapter 12 of Practicing Thankfulness, and then do the ones they select.
10. Show excitement when you “catch” your kids expressing unsolicited thankfulness.
Thank them for modeling good attitudes and behavior. Tell them you think God is helping them grow up. Tell them it pleases you and pleases God to hear them expressing gratitude. And thank God.
Sam Crabtree is the author of Practicing Thankfulness: Cultivating a Grateful Heart in All Circumstances.
Related Articles
10 Key Bible Verses on Gratitude
Gratitude to God is essential, but not only for the sake of the good things which he bestows.
Teaching Your Kids Gratitude in the Media Age
Media doesn’t create a sense of entitlement—a sense of “I deserve”—but it fuels that belief by holding in front of our eyes what others have and do.
4 Prayers to Pray in Gratitude
Turn to the Lord in gratitude with help from Scripture and these prayers of the saints.
Podcast: The Power of Habitual Gratitude (Sam Crabtree)
Sam Crabtree explains why gratitude is actually more foundational to the Christian life than you probably think and offers practical advice for cultivating gratitude in the ups and downs of our everyday lives,
