Know a Victim of Sexual Assault? What to Say and Not to Say

Don’t say:

• I know how you feel.
• I understand.
• You’re lucky that _____.
• It’ll take some time, but you’ll get over it.
• Tell me more details about what happened.
• I can imagine how you feel.
• Don’t worry, it’s going to be all right.
• Try to be strong.
• Out of tragedies, good things happen.
• Time heals all wounds.
• It was God’s will.
• You need to forgive and move on.
• Calm down and try to relax.
• You should get on with your life.

Do Say:

• I believe you.
• Thank you for telling me.
• How can I help?
• I’m glad you’re talking with me.
• I’m glad you’re safe now.
• It wasn’t your fault.
• Your reaction is not an uncommon response.
• It’s understandable you feel that way.
• You’re not going crazy; these are normal reactions.
• Things may not ever be the same, but they can get better.
• It’s OK to cry.
• I can’t imagine how terrible your experience must have been.
• I’m sorry this happened to you.

From Rid of My Disgrace by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb.

Justin S. Holcomb (PhD, Emory University) is an Episcopal priest and teaches theology at Reformed Theological Seminary, Orlando. He has written or edited more than twenty books on abuse, theology, and biblical studies. Justin and his wife, Lindsey, live in Orlando, Florida, with their two daughters.

Lindsey Holcomb (MPH, Touro University) holds a public health degree with a focus on violence against women. She works in nonprofit development and is an advocate for survivors of abuse. Lindsey is a former case manager at a sexual assault crisis center and a domestic violence shelter. She has coauthored seven books with her husband, Justin. 

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