Making the Most of the Holidays with Your Adult Children
The Perfect Holiday
It happens every year about this time: Christmas commercials packed with nostalgia show us a vision of the “perfect” holiday homecoming. The 1985 Folgers commercial, Peter Comes Home for Christmas, is exhibit A.
Peter arrives at his parents’ house early one snowy morning. Once inside, he flips a switch that cues light on a sparkling tree. His little sister scampers downstairs and the two make coffee which brings Mom and Dad clamoring down the stairs.
The camera zooms in on Mom. “Peter! Oh, you’re home!”
Perfect. All is right with the world.
But what if it’s not all you hoped it would be?
For many, the holidays, complete with commercials like this, can sting. It’s been estimated that one in four parents are estranged from at least one adult child. Many parents yearn for their kids to return to the faith in Jesus they have abandoned. Some parents vividly recall an argument over political differences that turned into a shouting match. Many parents would simply long for that Folgers moment: they haven’t seen their adult children come home for Christmas in years.
The sense of hopelessness mixed with guilt can leave parents feeling depressed and defeated. They are tempted to long for simpler times when their kids were young and still under their roof. But that isn’t helpful either. Ecclesiastes cautions, “Say not, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’ For it is not from wisdom that you ask this” (Eccl. 7:10).
Don’t rob today of its joy by pining for what used to be. The “simpler” years came with their own array of challenges. If any of us could go back in time, of course we’d do some things differently. And yet, being fallen creatures, I’m sure we’d create a brand new list of mistakes. Far better to remember Jesus died for our sins. Spiritual amnesia can cause us to forget that we, too, needed a radical change. If you are a believer in Christ, you are living proof God still works miracles in sinners’ hearts. If he conquered yours, he can save your adult children as well.
Loving Your Adult Children
Gaye B. Clark
Loving Your Adult Children offers gospel hope to parents who struggle with pain in their relationships with their adult children. It reorients their focus—pointing to Christ as the only source of lasting peace and to his gospel as the only hope for lasting relationships.
And while we know we are powerless to save ourselves, that doesn’t stop us from trying to save our kids. We tell ourselves the holidays might be the perfect time to help them see the light: We’ll get them to that Christmas Eve service. Maybe something will click this year when we read the Christmas story as a family. They’ll hear the word of God and repent with tears, certifying their transformation.
While there is nothing wrong with encouraging our adult children to attend a church service, or opening God’s word on Christmas morning, we need to do so with our expectations on Christ alone and a trust in his perfect timing. My adult son, Nathan, noted, “No holiday is a magic bullet, and putting unrealistic expectations on the season will only lead to frustration and disappointment.” Remember that there is a significant difference between mere nostalgia and a Christ-centered Christmas.
While we trust and pray for God to work, there are many things we can do to make the most of the holidays with our adult children:
1. Prepare your heart first.
Pray ahead of the holidays, not just for your adult children, but your heart as well. Ask God to reveal areas where you need to change as earnestly as you pray for an adult child’s transformation. Ask him to help you stay centered on him and not the distractions that come with the season. Then, pray for each person who might be coming to your home.
2. Pray against discouragement.
The word tells us to pray and not lose heart precisely because God knows how quickly we become disheartened. Luke 18 tells a story of a widow who kept coming to an unrighteous judge for justice. Think on the futility of that endeavor for a moment. How likely was she to receive justice from such a man? Yet her persistence won the day. Luke makes the application abundantly clear: “And the Lord said, ‘Hear what the unrighteous judge says. And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily’” (Luke 18:6–8). This isn’t a guarantee that our prayers will be swiftly answered in precisely the way we desire, but it is an assurance from God that he can work in an utterly hopeless situation. If you are still breathing, never stop praying for your kids. Keep your focus on Christ this Christmas, and ask him to be your comfort and encouragement if you are mourning a broken relationship.
3. Talk with your adult kids.
One way we can treat our kids like adults is to include them in the holiday planning. What are they hoping will be on the menu? What would they like to do as a family when they come? What special provisions do you need to make for grandchildren? My friend, Molly, has a child with special needs, Amaris, and another precocious toddler, Noelle.
Amaris’s medical needs made attending a church service challenging. Noelle (who was about nineteen-months-old) could not tolerate a late-night service. What’s a pair of loving grandparents to do? Molly’s parents held Amaris throughout the service so Molly could focus on worship. Her husband stayed home with Noelle, making sure she was tucked in at bedtime. Her parents were flexible with their plans and available for their daughter and granddaughter. Molly will never forget their kindness and understanding. Molly’s parents were wise enough to allow Molly to take the lead on church attendance. If you are an adult child with young children, don’t be afraid to speak up in circumstances like these. A few uncomfortable moments of honest conversation might prevent an entire evening that becomes a nightmare.
Don’t rob today of its joy by pining for what used to be.
4. Ask your adult children how they would like to spend their time at home.
Do they also want to visit friends or in-laws? Don’t get into the comparison game over how much time your adult children spend at your house versus the in-laws. There isn’t any redemptive moment in that. Remember, “love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful” (1 Cor. 13:5). Being a generous parent means not only sharing financial resources but also being gracious and understanding of your children’s time with others. Talking about this ahead of time can assure the time you have with them is guarded while giving them the freedom to connect with others.
5. Ask your kids about the family’s “sacred” traditions.
Which ones do they value, and which do you need to put aside? Which traditions are of real help in pointing your heart toward Christ, and which ones are not? In Mark 7, the Lord rebuked the religious leaders of his day: “‘You leave the commandment of God and hold to the tradition of men.’ And he said to them, ‘You have a fine way of rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish your tradition.’” (Mark 7:8–9). Sometimes we lose sight of the point of our traditions, or we cling to a yearly habit that has relatively no spiritual value. Remember, traditions should change and evolve with time, especially if your adult children are now parenting kids of their own. If an adult child wants to change things up or skip a family tradition one year, these aren’t the hills we should die on.
6. Encourage your kids to create new family traditions.
One important transition for parents of adult children is to begin to see our adult children’s families not merely as an extension of our own but independent households in their own right. One way to do this might be to give gifts they can enjoy as a family, such as a membership to a local zoo or aquarium. A gift certificate to a nice restaurant with a “coupon” for free babysitting can tell your son- or daughter-in-law that you want their marriage to thrive.
Another way to do this is to respect your adult children’s requests when it comes to your grandkids. If your daughter-in-law asks that you not put candy in your grandson’s stocking, abide by her wishes.
7. Hold your plans for the holidays loosely.
Remember, Joseph and Mary’s plans were completely uprooted by the most unexpected pregnancy ever known in a political climate that forced them to go to Bethlehem at the “worst possible time.” When our plans seem ruined, we need to remember that “all things work together for good” (Rom. 8:28), not just for us, but also for our adult children. It’s comforting to remember that Christ came to make his blessings known “far as the curse is found.”1 There is no pit of family trauma where Christ cannot enter. As we think on that amidst our everyday trials, we can pray in faith as Paul did, “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen” Eph. 3:20–21 (ESV).
Notes:
- ”Joy to the World,” by Isaac Watts, 3rd stanza.
Gaye B. Clark is the author of Loving Your Adult Children: The Heartache of Parenting and the Hope of the Gospel.
Related Articles
7 Tips for Deeper Conversations at Family Gatherings
Cheryl Marshall, Caroline Newheiser
Preparation for your family gathering will involve shopping, decorating, and meal planning. But it will also involve preparing your heart for how to achieve deeper conversations at your family gathering.
Help! I Have Trouble Talking with My Adult Children
When we move from parenting a teen to mentoring our adult children, asking questions is the best and first approach to difficult conversations—far better than biting your tongue.
6 Ways Parents of Estranged Adult Children Can Find Help at Church
Despite the struggles of parents experiencing pain in their relationships with their adult children, there is help for parents through the local church.
Favorite Christmas Traditions from Crossway Kids’ Book Authors
Read what the authors of Crossway kids' books had to say about their favorite Christmas traditions, and perhaps even find inspiration to incorporate new traditions into your own celebrations this year.
